DREWspective

This has been a post in the making.

Having been speed dating a total of eight times, I’ve noticed some commonly occuring themes during the events. Here are a few of my observations: feel free to disagree or agree with them as you will.

Please note that I am specifially referring to speed dating in the 20s age group in London; these may be less relevant for older people, or those in other places.

Observation #1

Men want female friends as sexual partners.
Women want male sexual partners as friends.

A lot of these so-called dating gurus say that men focus on looks, while women focus on looks and personality.

Bullshit. If anything, in today’s society it’s usually the other way around.  As a guy or girl, how many times do you get blocked and deleted as soon as you reveal your photo? How many times do you do the blocking and deleting?

Either way, we can all agree that looks are important to both sexes. But there’s a huge difference between how important looks are to each genders.

I am speaking as a disgruntled, generally luckless speed dater, but with most women (at any kind of speed dating event) it really does all boil down to looks. Show me someone who disagrees; I’ll show you a liar.

From my experience in the dating and even friendship world (and it may be that I’m in London, which is generally a shallow city), girls get so many offers from men, so they are looking for people they find attractive physically and sexually to be their friends.

On the other hand, guys have enough problems with just talking to a girl, and would be just as happy making friends with those they didn’t find attractive. Of course, there are guys who are just after one thing (and they usually get it), but even they have female friends.

I famously carried out an experiment on the London branch of Gumtree some time ago: I posted an ad looking for friendship (and only friendship) with females.
Of the nine responses I’d received, seven of the girls demanded to see a photo, and cut off all communication once they found out what I looked like. The other two had just stopped responding after a while.

Observation #2

Men are more serious than women.

There have been maybe one or two girls at an event that I would have liked to have been involved with, but at the end of the day I have always been primarily looking for stable female friends. The guys I’ve spoken to at events, though they don’t say it explicity, are in the same boat.

In most cases, the emphasis in "speed dating" for guys is dating.

Ask any girl why she chose to go speed dating, and you’re guaranteed to get an answer similar to:

• "just for a laugh"
• "something to do"
• "for fun, innit"

As with the dating game in general, the onus is on the guy to do all of the work, while the girls just sit pretty (Rapunzel syndrome); this is merely an opportunity for them to evaluate the guys on offer.
With many companies offering a free event if nobody is ticked, they’re prepared to go away empty handed (probably to abuse the system). Either way they’ll decide whom they’re attracted to, and completely discard the rest.

In most cases, the emphasis in "speed dating" for girls is speed.

Observation #3

Men make up their own minds.
Women have their minds made up for them.

Before you queue up to disagree, I have a couple of questions for you:

How many times have you seen or heard of a guy pursuing a girl, or taking some course of action, though it’s against popular culture?

How many times have you seen or heard of a girl pursuing a guy, or taking some course of action, because of popular culture?

Whether your opinion is influenced by real life or the media, depending on your perspective, the answers will probably be the same. There are of course exceptions but, far as I’m concerned, too few.

In speed dating, both guys and girls compare notes during and after a speed dating event.

It has also been known for girls to change their minds based on what other girls think of potential suitors. Girls are far more concerned about having approval from other people than guys.  While deep down a guy wants a girl who will compliment and "complete" them, in their 20s and even 30s a girl is more concerned with finding a good "trophy", to improve their image and make other people jealous.

You won’t get a confession any time soon, but people changing their ticks has happened in at least one event I’ve been to. This is probably another reason why girls statistically tick less than guys.

In her mini book on speed dating, Clare McCann tells about a strange phenomenon: guys who tick more than one girl in a group of friends are often less likely to be a long-term match after the event. When the girls find out, they’ll wonder: "does he like me or her?" The result is that nobody wins, because there’s perceived competition and each girl thinks they’re going to lose.

Whether it was this phenomenon or something that I did wrong, I had experienced this after one event: one girl didn’t even respond to an e-mail, while the other, after a short phonecall and text messages, decided to break communication.

On the flip side, I have never known a guy to have based his ticking decisions on what other guys have ticked. Time after time, it’s been demonstrated that, if a guy really wants to see a particular girl again, he will register ticks for every girl that he liked.

From what I’ve seen, most guys keep details of their ticks a secret, but openly talk about the women they like (and dislike).  They also see other guys being a threat, even if subconsciously, but they all think they’re in with a chance… if only they get ticked back.

Observation #4

Men generally want what’s different.
Women generally want what’s popular.

I can’t sum this point up any better than Chris Rock’s famous line in one of his shows:

• guys look at someone else’s girl, and say they have to get a girl just like her;
• girls look at someone else’s guy, and say they have to get him.

There’s a hidden rule in the dating game, that says a girl will reject someone if they have never met their friends’ approval. Guys, on the other hand, have been known to risk friendships and even social status to date a particular girl.

In the film John Tucker Must Die, many of the girls in the high school had been out with the titular character, and complain about his ethics. But as another male character says later in the film, they all queue up to go out with him.

Guys, on the other hand, seem to be after someone who may be like someone they’ve found attractive, but is "just for them". Girls seem to know this, as shown by their efforts to emulate actresses and singers and the like in physical form.

There are noticable examples of guys initially rejecting, or turning a blind eye, to girls who aren’t very popular (Napoleon Dynamite, American Pie, any "teen" movie you can think of). But whether it’s a girl or a guy that does it, if they’re chasing someone on the basis of perceived popularity, I see it as a sign of not knowing what they really want.

In terms of speed dating:

Both girls and guys will go for the people who have the highest perceived value. But for the girls, it’s usually restricted to the one or two most popular people (in accordance with Observation #3). Guys will probably tick everybody they’re drawn to, whether as a friend or otherwise.

That’s enough bullshit from me.  Thanks for reading; just remember that these are my observations, and that I don’t expect anyone to take them as gospel. Actually, you shouldn’t; go out and see for yourself.

Hi.

I haven’t written much on DREWspective recently, as you can tell. Besides being extremely busy with work, and trying to get The Ignored Board back on track, I felt like DREWspective was going down the same road as my old weblog.
I don’t want that, because I don’t fancy being brought to trial by an attention-seeking whore and her brainwashed mate again. I have a feeling you guys don’t want it either.

As you can see, I haven’t been doing well at all on the misogyny front.

I’ve refrained from ranting about V Day (unless you were on Facebook), where I hinted about being armed with a baseball bat on the day. Luckily for many happy couples, none of the stores around my workplace stocked baseball bats. Even more fortunately, not that many people bragged openly about their gifts and relationships. A couple of people had to have their digs at work - everybody at my workplace excluding me is in a relationship - at the last minute, but I restrained myself. After all, I’d be the only one that gets in trouble (and being a black man, they’d throw the library at me).

However, there hasn’t been much else going on in terms of girls. I still hasn’t been any response from my one "match" at speed dating. She’ll get one more e-mail sometime today, and then it’s entirely up to her.

I’ve also been doing a lot of asking out on Facebook and Dating Direct. If you don’t know already, and I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it on here, I took the plunge and signed up for 3 + 1 months on Dating Direct. (In a battle between Match.com and Dating Direct, Match had the greatest number of proactive girls, but had a greater perceived number of shallow ones to boot.)

So far I’ve made two or three contacts on each site, but the majority of girls have done their usual thing of giving silent treatment to anyone who doesn’t match their "list".

Another reason why I didn’t choose Match was the sheer number of rejection e-mails I received, purely as a result of "winking".  The emails begin:

xxx received your wink and reviewed your profile, but is not interested.

The email then goes on to give the usual spiel about their millions of members, how there’s "someone out there" etc.

I say: cut the bullshit. Any reviewing of profiles these girls do is to look at the pretty pictures, not to read what the guy put in his profile. Do you know why? Because they can’t f***ing read.

I would suggest that Match encourage people to give reasons for turning someone down. Not only would it potentially help someone looking for "the one", but it would give an insight into the intelligence, stability and morals of the person involved. (Especially those who give vague, or no answers.)

And they wonder why they’re single.

Weight wise, I had a shock earlier this week when I found myself approaching 19 stones. I really don’t look good these days; although I’ve been told I’m "slimming down", my double chin just keeps growing.

Nothing I’m doing seems to work: I’m unable to go to the gym regularly because of work, and it’s ultra difficult to eat healthily because of the shops and restaurants around. There’s a Sainsburys across the road, and while they’re known for premium food they’re pretty shit at healthy food you don’t have to cook.

If I had the freedom, I would go on the LighterLife diet in a heartbeat, as I have around four stones to lose now. But trapped at home, mom insists I do the usual, "cut back" thing I’ve been doing for so long. I’m getting sick and tired of her getting in my way every time I want to try something new, but moving out isn’t an option right now.

That’s all.

It turns out that I’d left this as a placeholder post, which I haven’t added anything to yet. I’ll briefly go over what happened now.

On Tuesday 5th, I went to yet another speed dating event in London. The venue was the 101 Bar near Tottenham Court Road: a venue I’d been to twice before, and a very good one for this kind of event.

The turnout was very poor on the girls’ side, even for a 20s event: there were only 11 girls to 17 guys. The good news was that the quality of the women was much more consistent than at the other events I’d been to; you pretty much knew what to expect.

I was hesitant to tick anybody this time around, but I’d met this very attractive French girl whom I seemed to get on with. As well as ticking her, I’d ticked four other girls whom I wouldn’t mind seeing again.

The next day, having convinced myself I’d get nothing after a long, hard stretch at work (and accidentally getting on a fast train to St Albans, before heading back on a train that missed my stop), I was rewarded with one match. Except it wasn’t the French girl; she’d decided to follow her less interesting mate, which was a damn shame.

But like all of my previous "matches", the match hasn’t responded to my friendly introductory email.

I’m certainly thinking that speed dating isn’t ever going to work out as well as I’d like. The girls don’t take it seriously at all, and in the end most of them are just after trophies. Whatever you do, don’t expect it to be any different to going to a bar or a night club to meet women; you’ll get the same results. Anyone who says otherwise is either a) a girl or b) good at pulling in night clubs.