DREWspective

As someone who has had ongoing problems with social interaction, depression, employment, discrimination and a whole load of other stuff I can’t be bothered to name right now, I probably don’t have any right to tell people what to do, say or think.

But I do know one thing: to be happy in life, you must have connections with other people. I realised that a long time ago, and it took my recruitment agent to remind me earlier today.

Other people are crucial to any kind of happiness, from wellbeing right on up to your career. Brian Tracy said in one of his seminars: a person who is known and liked by many other people can go all the way to the Presidency, while someone who is talented, but had no friends, would end up working under someone who does.
When I look at how my life turned out, it seemed that people around me knew that from the start. They might have seen that I was an extremely talented, creative person, who could potentially change the world. We can’t have that, they decided, so they made sure I was cut off from everybody and had no reliable friends or relationships. (That does sound paranoid, but anything is possible.)

What very few people realise (or care about) is that you must have connections with the right kind of people. All too often popular culture looks down on outcasts and "loners", and insist they "get out more". But it may be that "getting out more" only puts them in contact with people who don’t serve them well.

Unless you were very sadistic, you wouldn’t suggest to a black person that they should join the [group with people who wear white pointed hoods]. So why assume that they can just form bonds with any old person?

What even less people realise is that finding a place where you can form connections with the right kind of people isn’t always straightforward. These days it’s all well and good for your typical, loudmouth, promiscuous nobody: they have pubs, night clubs and almost all kinds of social settings. There are some who don’t like that crowd.

Unfortunately, I don’t have any answers to how to solve the connections crisis. The solution to solving these personal problems, I’ve found, is very personal to the person going through them. I hope you find yours, if you have one.

One of my unfortunate memories of high school was overhearing a "game" some of the girls in my class were playing. They made sure I could hear them, and because of the stupid class rules, I had to stay seated throughout.

Some of you guys may have heard of, or even played this game: two people are named, and you choose the better (or most attractive) person of the two.

Sounds harmless enough, right?

Well, it was interesting to hear, until they started comparing me to just about every other guy in the class and beyond. No matter who the other guy was (and from then on it was always me versus someone else), that other guy was always more attractive than me. I’m surprised they didn’t go right down to Drew versus the devil.

"Come on Drew," the naysayers would argue, "it’s just a silly little game; it doesn’t mean anything."

"So what," the get-over-it-ers would scoff, "that was ages ago; get over it."

I submit to you, ladies and gentlemen, that the same game is being played in social groups everywhere, whether people want to admit it or not.

I (rather publicly) left a social singles group I joined on Facebook a couple of months ago. One reason was because I was no longer comfortable with the many couples and "special friendships" (read: casual sex partners) being formed and integrated there, and me being effectively quarantined. Now there’s a groundbreaking discovery.

Basically I found that every single girl I was interested in would rather go out with someone else in the group than have anything to do with me. At least, that’s what I assume, when a girl who used to chat your ears off eventually has trouble saying "hi", and at the same time is being touchy-feely with another guy.

Whether it boils down to my comparatively dull personality, unconventional looks or whatever, it’s all the same kind of game. And when people compare and modify their scorecards (oh yes they do), it’s a game with very few winners.

I get angry because all of this happens no matter what I do or say. I’m famous for the claim that I don’t even have to open my mouth to get rejected; I’m dead serious.

I am reminded of couple of things, however.

Years ago, I looked at a photo of me taken during high school, and realised that I wasn’t as ugly as people had me believe. I certainly felt like it at the time, though, because everybody insisted I was.

I looked at another photo, this time one from last year. I still didn’t think I was ugly back then, either, but I sure felt ugly.

What are the chances of me looking at myself at 25 when I’m 30, and realising I wasn’t ugly?

Secondly, I was introduced to a realisation by motivational speaker Michael Stahl: that it is possible to be a winner with another person.

What does that mean? Well, just because someone is deemed more attractive than you, it doesn’t make you ugly; it just means the other person was deemed more attractive (which is subjective and shallow anyway - why would you listen to that shit?).

Being called ugly, or even the suggestion of it, can be a devastating blow to one’s self-esteem. It’s something that people who play these games can never understand.