DREWspective

You know, just as well nobody reads (or at least, comments) on my weblog entries; this one’s going to be very personal.

I guess you could call me lucky or fortunate, because I’m the type of person who - despite being overweight and out of energy a lot - hasn’t had to stay in a hospital overnight, or for an extended period. I’ve only been in hospital twice that I know of, both for minor surgery.

But I’ve thought about it just now, and I thought about how most people who go to hospital are visited by loved ones, friends and other people they know, all hoping they make some sort of recovery or improvement.

As a patient, I’ve never had that experience of being looked after by caring people. Though I’ve had that kind of treatment, it’s extremely rare compared to my siblings.

The hospital experience kind of ties in with social life, where a "normal" person has friends they can rely on and makes sure they’re okay, providing necessary support when they need it.

This is an area where self-worth and self-esteem come into play, because you have to have it in order to gain that level of support. However, I don’t believe you can have self-esteem or self-worth unless you have it; you’d otherwise be bitter.

I usually tell people that - growing up - I never had a single person in my corner when it mattered.  Nobody came to my defence in a dispute; nobody listened to me until it was too late; nobody was there to provide a shoulder to cry on. Recent years proved that people were more willing than ever to take sides against me, or at least point out just how much of a shit they couldn’t give.  In hindsight, all I was doing was crying out for someone to give a shit.

I’ve said the same thing about shyness and depression: that self-esteem - otherwise, caring about yourself - is a two-way process.  You have to want to do it, but you also have to find people willing to support you with the process for it to be successful. As ER Haas once pointed out, "you can’t go it alone!"

More to come on this subject.

Amber, a good friend of mine from Canada, said something very profound earlier: that I have nothing to be upset over.

The conversation made me think: why am I so down on myself most of the time? Why do people get down on themselves?

My answer is that even I, a person who disagrees a lot with how society works, fall into the trap of trying to please everybody.

It’s a horrible trap to fall into. What makes it such a horrible trap i that people naturally don’t know what they want, and as long as you try to give them what they say they want, they control you. You’ll end up being unhappy with yourself, and certinly other people: either you’ll fall short of their demands, or you’ll get frustrated because, by the time they’ve figured out what they want, they’ve changed their minds again.

Whatever kind of person you are at this moment, realise that you are unique and very valuable as a person. You may not believe it right now, but it’s true. And it’s true whether you believe we’re all different or the same. Don’t let anyone tell you or suggest that you’re not valuable.