DREWspective

As someone who has had ongoing problems with social interaction, depression, employment, discrimination and a whole load of other stuff I can’t be bothered to name right now, I probably don’t have any right to tell people what to do, say or think.

But I do know one thing: to be happy in life, you must have connections with other people. I realised that a long time ago, and it took my recruitment agent to remind me earlier today.

Other people are crucial to any kind of happiness, from wellbeing right on up to your career. Brian Tracy said in one of his seminars: a person who is known and liked by many other people can go all the way to the Presidency, while someone who is talented, but had no friends, would end up working under someone who does.
When I look at how my life turned out, it seemed that people around me knew that from the start. They might have seen that I was an extremely talented, creative person, who could potentially change the world. We can’t have that, they decided, so they made sure I was cut off from everybody and had no reliable friends or relationships. (That does sound paranoid, but anything is possible.)

What very few people realise (or care about) is that you must have connections with the right kind of people. All too often popular culture looks down on outcasts and "loners", and insist they "get out more". But it may be that "getting out more" only puts them in contact with people who don’t serve them well.

Unless you were very sadistic, you wouldn’t suggest to a black person that they should join the [group with people who wear white pointed hoods]. So why assume that they can just form bonds with any old person?

What even less people realise is that finding a place where you can form connections with the right kind of people isn’t always straightforward. These days it’s all well and good for your typical, loudmouth, promiscuous nobody: they have pubs, night clubs and almost all kinds of social settings. There are some who don’t like that crowd.

Unfortunately, I don’t have any answers to how to solve the connections crisis. The solution to solving these personal problems, I’ve found, is very personal to the person going through them. I hope you find yours, if you have one.

For all those who are unfamilar with my writing, I like to write a special message on my weblog at around Christmas and the New Year. These messages are about my deep-felt thoughts about how things are going in the world.

For the past few years, I’ve pleaded with readers to remember those people who don’t have anyone to celebrate Christmas with. We live in incredibly selfish times, and it’s easy to take present-giving and being with family for granted. I think, based on the little I’ve seen, that my message had gotten through to some people.

This year, I want to talk about something different: friends.

Friends are something that many people take for granted. Some people have a whole load of them; others get by with just a few; more still have one or two friends.

Some people have nobody they consider a friend at all.

Ask yourself: what is your definition of a friend? What does friendship mean to you? Is a friend someone you speak to regularly, or does it go deeper than that?

As many people in my close circles know, making friends has always been a serious challenge for me. Whatever the reason, it’s one of those skills that so many people take for granted (next to projecting one’s voice) that I’ve never been able to master. The sad fact is, all of the people I consider to be friends I have now are those who’ve approached me first.

For me personally: a friend is someone who stays in your corner, regardless of whether you’re winning or losing. Because of my mental disposition, it can be challenging for people to stick around; I can’t count the number of people who’ve run out on me when I needed someone’s company. People who run out on you (for any reason) without putting up a fight are not your friends.
Let me stress, though, that friends are not people who automatically take your side (or anyone else’s): I’ve seen so many people—and I have to say, girls are by far the biggest culprits—who automatically side with their mates, even if they know full well that their mate(s) is/are in the wrong. That’s not friendship; that’s gang mentality.

One important thing I look for in a potential friend is the ability to empathise. There are things I get depressed about very easily—such as relationships and lack of social skills—that your average person would have no problems with.
I don’t expect everybody to know what it’s like to be rejected before you even open your mouth, but I do want people to respect that these things are not as easy for me. People who aren’t friends will pretend they know what they’re talking about, blame you for your difficulties, or give you a one-line, three-word “catch-all” solution.

Unfortunately, such people are hard to come by these days.

I’ve seen people—once again, girls being the biggest offenders—placing looks requirements on new friends, even if it’s supposed to be platonic. If you’re not the right height, ethnicity, colour or build, they don’t want to know you. And they call these “preferences”.

Most disturbing of all are those who act like one person (read: kind, caring) when you meet them, but turn into completely different (read: nasty and ignorant) people when you have a bad day. I guarantee that, unless you’ve been extremely lucky, you’ve met one of those.

My message this year is very simple:

Don’t ever take real friends for granted. You’re lucky to have every single one of them.

Get rid of all of your bad friends. I’ve talked about this before in this weblog, but there’s nothing worse than having the wrong people in your corner. I cut off most of them a few months ago.

I challenge you all, for next year, to try and make at least one friend that falls outside of your physical criteria. Good friends—and bad ones—come in all shapes and sizes.

If you can’t do it then ask yourself: how good a friend are you?

Following from my rather emotional weblog entry last time, I thought about the amount of Facebook contacts I’ve gotten rid of in one fell swoop.

People are (metaphorically) like trees, with their relationships with other people like branches. Having a lot of branches isn’t for everybody, yet that’s what society teaches us to strive for. Some people concentrate on having a stronger foundation, and having only a few, strong branches.

What happened last week was like pruning dead or infected branches from the trunk—people who weren’t real friends to begin with, and were really part of someone else’s already overcrowded and blooming tree.

As with real plants, there are times when you have to remove connections to further yourself, or to free yourself from bad situations. Some of your branches could be doing nothing but producing bad fruit, or producing nothing at all. Some branches just weigh you down, or get in your way.

The person who I decided to cut myself away from was a great friend, let’s not get things out of perspective. She was someone who did things for me that every other girl was far too scared and girl-like to do, and every other peer was far too chickenshit to provide. I will always be grateful for that.
But she was also someone who was part of what I call the “everybody army”: someone who became, spoke for and sided with “everybody” else.

As much as this person was close to my heart, this was someone who would kick me and gloat when I’m down. I know this, because they did.

This is the time of year when such decisions should be made anyway, and the sooner one makes these decisions the better. 2008 is going to be a fresh start.

Having spent a weekend in Finland only to get the "nice guy" speech, I decided I was fed up of being seen as a "nice guy". Delude yourselves all you want, but "nice guys" are not in fashion (i.e. not wanted). At best, they have to wait until middle age before they get any action - and all there is to sample is single moms and sloppy seconds.

I was so fed up of the same routine, the same textbook scripts and lines, and falling for people who didn’t give a shit how I felt.

This is why I’ve started Ask A Girl: an initiative where I ask a member of the female species about pressing interpersonal issues. It’s not strictly a ‘how-to’ article, but the idea is to get some insight into what goes on in their simple little heads.

I talked to a married woman on the train to work this morning, asking her about the myths behind the labelling of a "nice guy" and the generalisation of "friend". She claims her husband is/was a "nice guy", whom she rejected when she was 16.

Some interesting things came up during the conversation…

"Nice guys"
Apparently it’s younger women who fall for the "treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen" mentality. As they get older, they (allegedly) realise they’ve been idiots and change their ways.

Sometimes a girl realises she is dating/attracting the wrong kind of guy, so they "make a conscious effort to change their mentality".

The woman also said that "nice guys" shouldn’t [have to] change, which I interpreted as just another "you’ll find someone" platitude.

"Friends"
One thing I know all us guys can all relate to: the dreaded "friend" terminology. I’ve been told it can be a genuine gesture, or just a self-serving let-down, depending on the girl.

But fear not - this woman’s husband used to be "just a friend" too. Apparently there is hope.