DREWspective

You know, just as well nobody reads (or at least, comments) on my weblog entries; this one’s going to be very personal.

I guess you could call me lucky or fortunate, because I’m the type of person who - despite being overweight and out of energy a lot - hasn’t had to stay in a hospital overnight, or for an extended period. I’ve only been in hospital twice that I know of, both for minor surgery.

But I’ve thought about it just now, and I thought about how most people who go to hospital are visited by loved ones, friends and other people they know, all hoping they make some sort of recovery or improvement.

As a patient, I’ve never had that experience of being looked after by caring people. Though I’ve had that kind of treatment, it’s extremely rare compared to my siblings.

The hospital experience kind of ties in with social life, where a "normal" person has friends they can rely on and makes sure they’re okay, providing necessary support when they need it.

This is an area where self-worth and self-esteem come into play, because you have to have it in order to gain that level of support. However, I don’t believe you can have self-esteem or self-worth unless you have it; you’d otherwise be bitter.

I usually tell people that - growing up - I never had a single person in my corner when it mattered.  Nobody came to my defence in a dispute; nobody listened to me until it was too late; nobody was there to provide a shoulder to cry on. Recent years proved that people were more willing than ever to take sides against me, or at least point out just how much of a shit they couldn’t give.  In hindsight, all I was doing was crying out for someone to give a shit.

I’ve said the same thing about shyness and depression: that self-esteem - otherwise, caring about yourself - is a two-way process.  You have to want to do it, but you also have to find people willing to support you with the process for it to be successful. As ER Haas once pointed out, "you can’t go it alone!"

More to come on this subject.

"I don’t think my boyfriend would approve."

"My fiancée thinks so too."

"I’ll have to see what my man is doing."

"My husband likes that as well."

Ever had this happen to you in a conversation?

You could be being as sincere as possible, engaging in a conversation on equal terms with someone else, having been single for years (and having people rub it in your face). Then, out of nowhere, they felt the urge to subtly brag about their relationship(s).

This happens anywhere you go, but it’s a growing trend online. After all, nobody has to look you in the eye when they do it, as they hide behind the safety of their computer screen. But I ask, why do people do it?

I actually talked about this once with an old work colleague during a lunch break. They said something deep and very profound back then:

People who brag about anything don’t feel they deserve it.

Till this day, I haven’t seen one example where that hasn’t been true, whether you’re talking about common people or those in the media.

We live in an artificially-generated culture, where - in the words of Dave Ramsey, author of Financial Peace - if we can’t get rich, we have to look rich. Somehow we got the idea that we have to look, act, speak, eat, do, wear, dance, drink, talk, see, shit, pee, breathe, walk, laugh, think, sleep, work, be like everyone else. Or at least, we’re driven to live up to some ideal someone created out of thin air. If you don’t, you’re labelled a freak.

This especially applies to relationships; there’s a lot of pressure to be in a relationship these days, with singles branded as lazy and unattractive, who don’t "get out there and meet people". And it pisses people like me off.

There are some people who claim to be "happy being single"; these are the kind of people who get into relationships like they’d buy groceries. So don’t listen to their bullshit.

It’s as if literally everybody is in a loving relationship these days, particularly if you’re not. And they all seem to be long-term, too. Yet, you often hear about people trading their so-called "forever lovers" for "better" models, people cheating on each other, and generally treating their partners like shit.

When you take a step back, I wouldn’t be surprised if there are people in relationships just so they can say they’re in one, or to spite someone else.

Anyway, whether you’d want to continue any form of contact with someone who throws having a partner in your face, is up to you. What you make of it is up to you. But in my book, the same thing can be said of these kinds of people as thieves, cheats and liars.

This has been a post in the making.

Having been speed dating a total of eight times, I’ve noticed some commonly occuring themes during the events. Here are a few of my observations: feel free to disagree or agree with them as you will.

Please note that I am specifially referring to speed dating in the 20s age group in London; these may be less relevant for older people, or those in other places.

Observation #1

Men want female friends as sexual partners.
Women want male sexual partners as friends.

A lot of these so-called dating gurus say that men focus on looks, while women focus on looks and personality.

Bullshit. If anything, in today’s society it’s usually the other way around.  As a guy or girl, how many times do you get blocked and deleted as soon as you reveal your photo? How many times do you do the blocking and deleting?

Either way, we can all agree that looks are important to both sexes. But there’s a huge difference between how important looks are to each genders.

I am speaking as a disgruntled, generally luckless speed dater, but with most women (at any kind of speed dating event) it really does all boil down to looks. Show me someone who disagrees; I’ll show you a liar.

From my experience in the dating and even friendship world (and it may be that I’m in London, which is generally a shallow city), girls get so many offers from men, so they are looking for people they find attractive physically and sexually to be their friends.

On the other hand, guys have enough problems with just talking to a girl, and would be just as happy making friends with those they didn’t find attractive. Of course, there are guys who are just after one thing (and they usually get it), but even they have female friends.

I famously carried out an experiment on the London branch of Gumtree some time ago: I posted an ad looking for friendship (and only friendship) with females.
Of the nine responses I’d received, seven of the girls demanded to see a photo, and cut off all communication once they found out what I looked like. The other two had just stopped responding after a while.

Observation #2

Men are more serious than women.

There have been maybe one or two girls at an event that I would have liked to have been involved with, but at the end of the day I have always been primarily looking for stable female friends. The guys I’ve spoken to at events, though they don’t say it explicity, are in the same boat.

In most cases, the emphasis in "speed dating" for guys is dating.

Ask any girl why she chose to go speed dating, and you’re guaranteed to get an answer similar to:

• "just for a laugh"
• "something to do"
• "for fun, innit"

As with the dating game in general, the onus is on the guy to do all of the work, while the girls just sit pretty (Rapunzel syndrome); this is merely an opportunity for them to evaluate the guys on offer.
With many companies offering a free event if nobody is ticked, they’re prepared to go away empty handed (probably to abuse the system). Either way they’ll decide whom they’re attracted to, and completely discard the rest.

In most cases, the emphasis in "speed dating" for girls is speed.

Observation #3

Men make up their own minds.
Women have their minds made up for them.

Before you queue up to disagree, I have a couple of questions for you:

How many times have you seen or heard of a guy pursuing a girl, or taking some course of action, though it’s against popular culture?

How many times have you seen or heard of a girl pursuing a guy, or taking some course of action, because of popular culture?

Whether your opinion is influenced by real life or the media, depending on your perspective, the answers will probably be the same. There are of course exceptions but, far as I’m concerned, too few.

In speed dating, both guys and girls compare notes during and after a speed dating event.

It has also been known for girls to change their minds based on what other girls think of potential suitors. Girls are far more concerned about having approval from other people than guys.  While deep down a guy wants a girl who will compliment and "complete" them, in their 20s and even 30s a girl is more concerned with finding a good "trophy", to improve their image and make other people jealous.

You won’t get a confession any time soon, but people changing their ticks has happened in at least one event I’ve been to. This is probably another reason why girls statistically tick less than guys.

In her mini book on speed dating, Clare McCann tells about a strange phenomenon: guys who tick more than one girl in a group of friends are often less likely to be a long-term match after the event. When the girls find out, they’ll wonder: "does he like me or her?" The result is that nobody wins, because there’s perceived competition and each girl thinks they’re going to lose.

Whether it was this phenomenon or something that I did wrong, I had experienced this after one event: one girl didn’t even respond to an e-mail, while the other, after a short phonecall and text messages, decided to break communication.

On the flip side, I have never known a guy to have based his ticking decisions on what other guys have ticked. Time after time, it’s been demonstrated that, if a guy really wants to see a particular girl again, he will register ticks for every girl that he liked.

From what I’ve seen, most guys keep details of their ticks a secret, but openly talk about the women they like (and dislike).  They also see other guys being a threat, even if subconsciously, but they all think they’re in with a chance… if only they get ticked back.

Observation #4

Men generally want what’s different.
Women generally want what’s popular.

I can’t sum this point up any better than Chris Rock’s famous line in one of his shows:

• guys look at someone else’s girl, and say they have to get a girl just like her;
• girls look at someone else’s guy, and say they have to get him.

There’s a hidden rule in the dating game, that says a girl will reject someone if they have never met their friends’ approval. Guys, on the other hand, have been known to risk friendships and even social status to date a particular girl.

In the film John Tucker Must Die, many of the girls in the high school had been out with the titular character, and complain about his ethics. But as another male character says later in the film, they all queue up to go out with him.

Guys, on the other hand, seem to be after someone who may be like someone they’ve found attractive, but is "just for them". Girls seem to know this, as shown by their efforts to emulate actresses and singers and the like in physical form.

There are noticable examples of guys initially rejecting, or turning a blind eye, to girls who aren’t very popular (Napoleon Dynamite, American Pie, any "teen" movie you can think of). But whether it’s a girl or a guy that does it, if they’re chasing someone on the basis of perceived popularity, I see it as a sign of not knowing what they really want.

In terms of speed dating:

Both girls and guys will go for the people who have the highest perceived value. But for the girls, it’s usually restricted to the one or two most popular people (in accordance with Observation #3). Guys will probably tick everybody they’re drawn to, whether as a friend or otherwise.

That’s enough bullshit from me.  Thanks for reading; just remember that these are my observations, and that I don’t expect anyone to take them as gospel. Actually, you shouldn’t; go out and see for yourself.

I’ve written about this before, and have made my views known about it on many an occasion. But not on DREWspective. So here we go.

Following my best friend’s success with online dating, where he claims to have had no less than 15 dates as a result, I decided to give being much more proacitve a go. I signed up to the same dating site as he did and began interacting, as well as going speed dating, winking on Match.com and trying to get things going on Facebook.

Unfortunately—since the Internet is the same as going outside these days—the result for me was exactly the same as before: a whole load of "not interested"s and unreturned emails.

There’s been a lot of them recently, but the icing on the cake comes from two or three girls whom I arranged to do something with. At the last minute they fall silent on me, giving their excuses or no reason at all. But when they do surface, they’ve magically ended up with someone else.

Today’s topic is silent treatment, and I’m going to tell you why I think it’s an evil thing.

First, let me point out that I’m wholly against using silent treatment as a first resort. People who use silent treatment as a first resort deserve to burn in hell.

You’ve probably met people who keep things to themselves and won’t tell you what you want (or need) to know, building up like a pressure cooker until they finally scream and shout and level blame and abuse on you.  You’ve probably met those kinds of people who think they can do whatever they want, and hide whatever important information they want. Those people use silent treatment as a first resort.

Second, let me talk about why silent treatment itself is bad.

For me personally, silent treatment—especially from the opposite sex—is a sign of disrespect, and a lack of responsibility; they don’t respect you enough to give you an answer, and they don’t care what it would mean for you.

Imagine you tried to call someone with your last remaining credit, and they hung up on you. Imagine using your last 10p to send them a text message that they never respond to. How about writing a long, detailed email to someone who doesn’t send even a short one back?

There’s advice circulating around the dating community that guys have to send detailed emails to potential girls if they want to increase their chances of getting a response.  How many of you guys have spent valuable time writig individual emails to girls who’ve written those lazy, cut-and-paste profiles, and got nothing for it? Wouldn’t you feel deflated?

Lots of people say that they don’t respond, no matter what the circumstance or medium, because they don’t want to hurt their feelings. Bullshit. Have you ever stopped to think that not responding would hurt their feelings?

Fair enough, you could argue that some people wouldn’t like what they hear. That would depend on both parties: the person wanting to know should be ready to accept what’s said; the person with the answer has the responsibility of telling them in the best way possible.

Personally, I might not like the answer I get (because I prefer pepole to tell the truth rather than candy-coat things), but in the long run I have far more respect for people who tell me how it is to my face, than people who resort to games and silent treatment.

There may be times when silent treatment is necessary, for example whe someone won’t take the clearly-explained, verbal hint. I say it should always be used as a last resort.

Your thoughts, please.

Hi.

I haven’t written much on DREWspective recently, as you can tell. Besides being extremely busy with work, and trying to get The Ignored Board back on track, I felt like DREWspective was going down the same road as my old weblog.
I don’t want that, because I don’t fancy being brought to trial by an attention-seeking whore and her brainwashed mate again. I have a feeling you guys don’t want it either.

As you can see, I haven’t been doing well at all on the misogyny front.

I’ve refrained from ranting about V Day (unless you were on Facebook), where I hinted about being armed with a baseball bat on the day. Luckily for many happy couples, none of the stores around my workplace stocked baseball bats. Even more fortunately, not that many people bragged openly about their gifts and relationships. A couple of people had to have their digs at work - everybody at my workplace excluding me is in a relationship - at the last minute, but I restrained myself. After all, I’d be the only one that gets in trouble (and being a black man, they’d throw the library at me).

However, there hasn’t been much else going on in terms of girls. I still hasn’t been any response from my one "match" at speed dating. She’ll get one more e-mail sometime today, and then it’s entirely up to her.

I’ve also been doing a lot of asking out on Facebook and Dating Direct. If you don’t know already, and I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it on here, I took the plunge and signed up for 3 + 1 months on Dating Direct. (In a battle between Match.com and Dating Direct, Match had the greatest number of proactive girls, but had a greater perceived number of shallow ones to boot.)

So far I’ve made two or three contacts on each site, but the majority of girls have done their usual thing of giving silent treatment to anyone who doesn’t match their "list".

Another reason why I didn’t choose Match was the sheer number of rejection e-mails I received, purely as a result of "winking".  The emails begin:

xxx received your wink and reviewed your profile, but is not interested.

The email then goes on to give the usual spiel about their millions of members, how there’s "someone out there" etc.

I say: cut the bullshit. Any reviewing of profiles these girls do is to look at the pretty pictures, not to read what the guy put in his profile. Do you know why? Because they can’t f***ing read.

I would suggest that Match encourage people to give reasons for turning someone down. Not only would it potentially help someone looking for "the one", but it would give an insight into the intelligence, stability and morals of the person involved. (Especially those who give vague, or no answers.)

And they wonder why they’re single.

Weight wise, I had a shock earlier this week when I found myself approaching 19 stones. I really don’t look good these days; although I’ve been told I’m "slimming down", my double chin just keeps growing.

Nothing I’m doing seems to work: I’m unable to go to the gym regularly because of work, and it’s ultra difficult to eat healthily because of the shops and restaurants around. There’s a Sainsburys across the road, and while they’re known for premium food they’re pretty shit at healthy food you don’t have to cook.

If I had the freedom, I would go on the LighterLife diet in a heartbeat, as I have around four stones to lose now. But trapped at home, mom insists I do the usual, "cut back" thing I’ve been doing for so long. I’m getting sick and tired of her getting in my way every time I want to try something new, but moving out isn’t an option right now.

That’s all.