I’d like to invite anyone who’s reading this to take part in an exercise. This exercise is from the book If I’m So Wonderful Why Am I Still Single? by Susan Page: on the surface, another book written by a woman for women, but contains some useful tips.
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Get yourself a notepad, and on it write a list of all the qualities, traits and characteristics that you’re looking for, or really want, in your ideal partner. If you could have anybody in the entire world, what kinds of features or personality would they have?
Give yourself about an hour to think about all the things you can imagine, and try not to restrict your thinking. There’s no limit on the number of things you can write down, either.
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Once you have your list, go through all of the items again. This time, put an E (for essential) or a D (for desired) next to each item – it might help to use different coloured pens for the E and D.
An E means that the quality is absolutely essential for you; the D is just a preference (the real kind of preference, thank you).
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When you’ve marked all of the items, have another look at your E (essential) items, and draw a circle around the five most important ones.
The five items you’ve drawn circles around are your dealbreakers. These are the items on your checklist (or “shopping list”) that cannot be compromised: if someone doesn’t match those five, they should not be considered a potential partner.
Doing this exercise can help you to home in on the kinds of things that you REALLY really want in a partner.
Most of the ads and profiles I see for people who claim to “know what they want” describe things like facial features, hair colour, skin colour, build… all of those superficial physical things that don’t necessarily add up to a person who is right for them. Most of the time, after doing something like this, physical features get traded for personality types and characteristics.
I did this exercise a couple of years ago, and made the mistake of sharing my answers with the same “singles” group (which shall still remain nameless) that I consequently left. You should have seen the reaction on Facebook: besides being accused of having “low self-esteem”, I was told in no uncertain terms to “get some confidence” during a girl’s tirade.
(Let’s just say that I wasn’t Mr Popular in the group to begin with, and certain people were more focused on joining in and being part of the mob, than listening to what I was actually saying.)
Just to give you an idea of the kind of items you can come up with, here’s my own five “essential” items. (I don’t think anyone’s the least bit interested – or ready – for my full list.)
- enjoys sex
- is a touchy-feely person (and likes to be touched by me)
- accepts me for who I am
- is not an abusive person
- is not a gold-digger or a trophy hunter
While I’m on the subject of things sounding “weird”: out of the 70 or so items in my initial list, these five are the most important things for me. The five you come up with are the most important things for you. Don’t let anyone bully you into having to explain them, or making you feel like the things you chose are “stupid”: if they do, it’s because they don’t know what they want themselves, and also they can’t come close to meeting your dealbreakers.
What are your five most essential items?
Tags: exercise, Imagine, Partner, people, Preference, Shopping List, Susan Page