I read this comment from an anonymous poster on Dating Sites Reviews, about my least favourite dating site Plenty Of Fish (or as I call it, Plenty Of Flesh):
I would guess most people (male/female) that meet from the site, are little more than two illusions meeting … and then each person deciding the other doesn’t validate their own illusion. It goes something like this … “You didn’t lie well enough about your FAKE awesomeness, so I can’t continue seeing you, because it would mean I’m not as awesome as I pretend to be either.”
I couldn’t have put it any better myself, and I got to thinking that the same principle applies to other dating sites – especially if they’re free.
What I see a lot of on OkCupid – a site I’ve become a lot more impressed with in recent times – are a bunch of women who set their sights disproportionately high. What I mean is, they extensive “shopping lists” of nice little traits they’re looking for in a partner, whether they tell you what they’re looking for or not.
And yet, most of them advertise themselves extremely poorly. Most of the time their profiles read almost exactly the same as each other, with the same interests, likes and dislikes, personal statements, disliking of writing introductory essays and your “sorry just a preference”s. They want a Prince Charming, while they remain a Mrs Smith.
Besides showing a lack of real creativity, what they’re really saying about themselves is that they’re no different to other women. They’re essentially saying that there’s no real reason why you should date them, as opposed to some other woman. (This applies whether we’re talking about words or pictures.)
The same can be said of men, most of whom make the situation a lot worse for us decent folk. Because all these women have impossible standards to meet, you get some who shade the truth in various ways. It can be as simple as lying about your weight, your hobbies and interests or the car you drive, and as incredibly wrong as lying about your physical appearance. (Yes, men do it too!)
Some of the most successful men on dating sites have lied to get what they want: many have even lied about their success on dating sites, which probably helps them get more dates!
In the online dating game, when it comes down to the truth versus a lie, the lie always wins the battle. The lie will win many battles, long before the truth scores a single point. Truthful people – definitely truthful men – initially lose out, while the lying men and women claim the spoils.
This is probably why sites like Plenty Of Flesh, MySpace, Facebook and many other sites are full to the rafters with angry, dishonest people. Ultimately, when at least one person is being dishonest in any level of relationship, both parties lose. The person being lied to becomes distrustful of people and their intentions; the dishonest person might be smug about destroying the relationshp, but they lose every positive thing that could spring from it.
If we want our lives to change, if we want success in any form of dating and relationships, and if we are going to change ourselves and the world, we have to start being honest with ourselves.
Am I worthy of attracting a Princess (or for the women, Prince) Charming? What do I have to offer them? Is it enough to warrant having a relationship with them? Honestly, probably not yet.
Tags: Anonymous Poster, Awesomeness, Creativity, Dating Site, Dating Sites, Decent Folk, Flesh, Hobbies And Interests, Honesty, Illusion, Illusions, Impossible Standards, Introductory Essays, Mrs Smith, Online Dating, Personal Statements, Plenty Of Fish, Preference, Real Reason, Shopping Lists
Hi Drew,
As Chris Rock said, when you date someone, you’re not really meeting them, you’re meeting their representative.
Depending on how genuine you were when you wrote your profile and published your picture, that ‘representative’ will turn out to simply be you on your best behaviour, or you as you wish to be. The latter tends to be a facade that crumbles very quickly, and having done plenty of online dating I learned the art of presenting my best side, but still turning up on dates and being myself.
I look at it this way: I have everything to gain by being honest about who I am. All I have to lose is someone who’s not right for me.
That said, everybody lies. Telling someone you’ve had a huge response increases your ‘market value’, and I can forgive someone lying about their height if they are still taller than me! But it’s not a dealbreaker like, say, omitting the fact you’re married or that your pic was taken 10 years ago.
I think you’re talking about 2 different things here, too. Aside from the lying/dishonesty/economy with truth, the other strand is the fact that people tend to ask for the moon on a stick, when they have little to offer themselves.
When I seek a mate, I demand certain things, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. But what about me? I made sure to work on being the ‘package’ – attractive enough to be seen in public with, well-rounded, able to hold my own intellectually, interesting and funny. But I guess not everyone is so self-aware of their own shortcomings; all they know is an idea of perfection that is expected to drop into one’s lap. Not gonna happen.
There are alot of honest individuals out there online looking for someone with the same honest qualities…and may they find each other!
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