How You Want To Be Asked
I’ve had moments where I get mad because I feel like I’ve been tricked into doing something, and it’s usually because of the way I’m asked to do something.
Well, actually, most of the time I’m not asked. For whatever reason, people devise cunning and backhanded ways of getting me to do something for them. You’ve already heard about the "get x to do y" bullshit in my current workplace, which is just one example.
One thing that seems to be a trend is the following… Please don’t nod your head unless you’ve actually experienced it.
Person: Have you ever seen this before?
You: [having taken a look] Yeah.
Person: What do you think of it?
You: It’s not bad.
Person: How hard do you think it would be to make something like this?
You: Actually, it would be very simple.
OR
You: It’s rather complicated.
[either way, you're wondering what they're getting at.]
Person: Do you think you would be able to do something like this?
…
I get it both at home and in my current workplace, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s happened in a couple of other places. And it pisses me off.
I was going to write about this earlier, but then I got to thinking. One rule I set for myself when writing on DREWspective is to avoid complaining without coming up with a solution, and it’s one I try to stand by in real life whenever I find myself getting angry over something.
I’ve found that I get mad even when more considerate forms of asking are used, mostly depending on the person. I thought about why I get mad when people asked anything of me, and this is my answer.
When I was younger I was used an awful lot, by other kids, siblings, parents and teachers. Nobody ever stood in my defence long enough, and nobody objected to it; it was as if it was okay to do it. Saying ‘no’ to anybody would cause drama, and I would be labelled anyway. As you might have guessed, doing things for other people usually resulted in getting nothing in return, except to be asked to do even more things.
Eventually I got pissed off with being used, and while I still haven’t yet learned to say no, I think I’ve made it more obvious that I disagree with what’s being asked of me. Unfortunately people continue to do it anyway, and I’m certain they’re either ignoring or abusing me. I promise, that will change.
At the same time, I’ve found that if I asked anything of anyone then I’d mostly be met with rejection or ridicule. I remember being ridiculed for something as small as asking for a ride to the local supermarket, to buy a toothbrush. This is one of the reasons why I’m so skilled; I’ve had to do just about everything myself because nobody wanted to (or could) help.
I guess the real reason why I get so angry is because of expectation; that I expected people to be grateful, or to give me something back. I’ll alays remember the line in Rocky 3: that people do things because they want to.
But I digress…
I thought about how I’d like to be asked to do something, and it was difficult because there’s probably no general answer. Remember, it had to be in a way that I wouldn’t feel used or manipulated. I did know, however, that whatever it was had to be respectful.
In the end, I settled on these:
Please could you do X for me?
If you have a moment, could you have a look at X for me?
We were thinking of implementing this feature: do you know anything about it, or would you have to investigate?
I know you’re busy right now, but I was wondering if you could help me with this…
Quite frankly, I don’t see what’s wrong with a little respect. If you can think of some other respectable ways of asking for things, feel free to suggest them. Or, better yet, use them yourself!
I thought this was important to write about, because of the way I’ve been treated at home and in the workplace. I’ve heard stories about all these wonderful companies where the management treats people like individuals, yet all I’ve seen are places where the management has favourites and those they treat like dirt.
Someone once said you can be an effective boss if you don’t get close to your people, but not an effective leader. I’d add to that: you can get things done telling people what to do, but they can be done more productively when asking the right way.
