Worst Fear
I remember Art Berg (deceased), one of my favourite NSA speakers, saying that most things we fear never come to pass. In recent times, that statement gave me a sense of hope.
The only problem is, sometimes they do.
One of my biggest fears while I was growing up, was falling hopelessly in love with a girl, only for her to run off with some other guy (or several other guys) and rip me to shreds internally.
I haven’t told anyone that before, and I wouldn’t have mentioned it if it hadn’t happened. There was the big thing last year about my world collapsing because of someone whom I thought I was having my first relationship with, but there have been countless other girls who I really wanted to get with, but they chose to date someone brighter, lighter and a whole lot whiter.
That worst fear came true without me having to think about it, even though it was probably in the back of my mind some place. Now that it has happened I’ve grown more cynical, but at the same time there are things I’ve been forced to accept. (Won’t go into those here.)
Most recently, I had to face a very intimidating fear. I wanted to leave my current job (still do), primarily because of the work environment; I felt strongly that it was counter-productive, not just with the job but with my self-esteem and personal development.
I’d been putting it off for months. I’ve only been at this job for seven months, and it would have been the third in a string of short permanent roles since university. Even more threatening was the possible reaction of the boss, who makes a habit of talking over people and throwing their weight around. They talked down to a good friend of mine: someone who left the company after four years. Imagine the bollocking I’d get for just seven months.
But I finally brought it up, and they had a very hard time accepting it as an answer. I did it three times in total, each time thinking about the situation.
And my reward for facing my fear? Verbal abuse. I had my personal life thrown in my face, being rudely talked over, before being left alone and shattered in the room, while the boss congratulated themselves or something.
Have you ever had that? When you’re "encouraged" to open up to people, or told you should be doing something, yet you get attacked when you do? Real healthy, isn’t it? Funnily enough, the only thing that does is make people not want to open up.
So I’m still at the job, and not for the first time in my life I feel trapped. It makes me think about my ultimate worst fear… I’m not going to say what it is.
