DREWspective

Self-help is big business these days. Every man and his dog seems to have a product that claims to cure your problems, all for a ridiculously high bargain price.
One thing has taken my notice recently: quite a few of these ‘gurus’, and some web sites, love to take the tough love approach. What’s tough love? Summed up briefly, it means talking down to the customer and showing little to no sympathy.

These are the people who got on a microphone, or a word processor, and went around saying:

"It’s not them; it’s you."

I kid you not; this was part of the intro to a so-called self-help tape I once downloaded, which thankfully I’ve forgotten.

Let’s take an example most people can relate to. On a couple of occasions I started to read Double Your Dating by David DeAngelo - you know, to help with the ‘curse’. In his ebooks and newsletter David visibly uses the tough love approach when helping some of the people out, but generally it’s all in good fun.

What has always gotten me stuck was in the first part, where he writes in no uncertain terms:

"If you’re one of those people that likes being negative, arguing with everything, finding why things can never work for you, and why everyone is wrong, then do me and you a favor and delete this book from your hard drive, and email me to ask for a refund. You’ve made a choice to be negative with yourself, and I’m not even interested in helping you see a better way."

How is someone who has problems seeing things in a positive light supposed to react to that?

As someone who has been accused of being negative (and admittedly, when 10 to 20 things go tits up in a row, it kinda pisses me off) and doesn’t enjoy being negative at all, I felt a strong urge to give David two words. But I really did feel really bad. So what did I do? I stopped reading, worrying I would never be able to ‘double my dating’ (which is useless if your dating is zero) unless I escaped the trap of negative thinking. And I’ve been trying to escape the trap of negative thinking for over ten years.

The point I’m trying to make here is that tough love should never be used as an all-purpose tool. It does work for some people, but there’s a good chance it will devastate others and put them in a far worse position than before.
Alicia Fortenberry and Bob Murray, a psychotherapy team, said that criticism is never a good thing because it’s a form of abuse; when someone criticises you they’re controlling you. Tough love is nothing but criticism: it’s used to highlight what is wrong, but gives no information on how to fix the problem.

Unfortunately there’s no real way to avoid it, but you can choose not to accept tough love treatment - if it’s counterproductive - by leaving. Don’t feel you have to accept abuse just because it’s from someone in a ‘better’ position than you.
The ultimate worst situation to receive it is from a supposed counsellor/psychologist. I hate to scare people, but it has happened.

I wanted to keep this post away from solely talking about relationships and dating, but it’s not easy.

Having spent a weekend in Finland only to get the "nice guy" speech, I decided I was fed up of being seen as a "nice guy". Delude yourselves all you want, but "nice guys" are not in fashion (i.e. not wanted). At best, they have to wait until middle age before they get any action - and all there is to sample is single moms and sloppy seconds.

I was so fed up of the same routine, the same textbook scripts and lines, and falling for people who didn’t give a shit how I felt.

This is why I’ve started Ask A Girl: an initiative where I ask a member of the female species about pressing interpersonal issues. It’s not strictly a ‘how-to’ article, but the idea is to get some insight into what goes on in their simple little heads.

I talked to a married woman on the train to work this morning, asking her about the myths behind the labelling of a "nice guy" and the generalisation of "friend". She claims her husband is/was a "nice guy", whom she rejected when she was 16.

Some interesting things came up during the conversation…

"Nice guys"
Apparently it’s younger women who fall for the "treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen" mentality. As they get older, they (allegedly) realise they’ve been idiots and change their ways.

Sometimes a girl realises she is dating/attracting the wrong kind of guy, so they "make a conscious effort to change their mentality".

The woman also said that "nice guys" shouldn’t [have to] change, which I interpreted as just another "you’ll find someone" platitude.

"Friends"
One thing I know all us guys can all relate to: the dreaded "friend" terminology. I’ve been told it can be a genuine gesture, or just a self-serving let-down, depending on the girl.

But fear not - this woman’s husband used to be "just a friend" too. Apparently there is hope.

Hello folks, and welcome to my first weblog for about two years. This is my first entry!

What happens when you’re frustrated with the way things are working out in your life? Where do you go? Who do you turn to?
If you’re anything like me, all you see in these situations are people getting on with their lives, ignoring you and your feelings. The only “help” you get is ‘get over it’, ‘move on’, ‘you need to do this’ etc.
All you hear are one-liners from people who have never experienced a problem in their lives… or at least have forgotten what it’s like to have them.

The purpose of DREWspective is to throw away the useless ‘why’ questions and the ‘you need to’ statements, and concentrate on actions and methods.

How do you get yourself out of that hole?

How do you turn your life around?

Only when you know how will you be able to move on, and not one moment sooner.

Join me on the quest to self-acceptance and solving some of life’s nagging problems. Enjoy the weblog!