DREWspective

Today let’s be positive and talk about overcoming rejection.

Of course, there’s nothing positive about rejection itself: no matter how it’s done and who it involves, rejection is rejection. The strange thing is that different people get either more resistant or more sensitive to it, the more it happens. But whatever happens for you, it doesn’t have to mean the end.

The following is an extract from an old version of a book I’ve been writing, which has been edited slightly to apply to both men and women. (Buying said book when it’s published is highly recommended. )

I’m probably the worst person to tell anyone how to handle and overcome rejection. I’m the person who gets visibly pissed off when they end up getting the same tired lines (“it’s not you, it’s me” etc.), and on a number of occasions I’ve gone on tirades and displayed a lot of anger and self-loathing.

Receiving these canned lines while being rejected – contrary to what people would have you believe – is never about the other person not trying to hurt you, but rather protecting themselves from feeling guilty for doing it. If they really were concerned about your feelings, they wouldn’t resort to such cowardly tactics.

The old standby of “get over it” to deal with rejection isn’t only unhelpful, it’s also ignorant. “Getting over it” may be three small words but there are many steps involved, and nobody seems to factor in the emotional damage those words can cause.

Here are some [hopefully] more useful guidelines on handling rejection, whether as a result of speed dating or meeting people, or even other things.

Acknowledge that this person may not be right for YOU.

Look at things the other way: if someone is rejecting you – and using these stupid canned lines to do it – are they good enough for you? Do you really want someone who falls back on tired excuses whenever they’re asked to step up? Do you qualify someone who’s made a decision to reject you long before you’ve met them?

Also take into consideration how they chose to reject you. Would you consider someone who turns their back on you, or gives you silent treatment, to be a decent person?

I’ll bet you don’t, and neither should you. Remember that you have criteria of your own for a partner, and if they’re going to have an extensive shopping list of superficial traits, you ought to have at least one of your own criteria fulfilled.

Recognise that they’ve rejected you to avoid being rejected.

Rejection on any level is painful for both men and women. That’s probably why, even in the 21st century, women are generally way too lazy to approach men: they prefer to put themselves at the advantage of dishing out rejection, so they won’t feel the pain of being rejected themselves.
(How many times have you seen a woman’s incredibly angry and vengeful reaction to a man dumping or rejecting her? You’re rejecting me?! Are you seriously telling me you’re rejecting me?! Nobody rejects me!!!”)

But the pain of rejection also explains why women who approach men are frowned upon as being “easy” or promiscuous.

Someone on DeviantArt once told me this very simple, yet very powerful truth, when I asked the masses what being called a “nice guy” (which is basically the worst of all rejections) really meant. I’m ashamed that I’m paraphrasing, but this is what they said:

I’m scared you’ll find out how boring and shallow I really am.

Think about it for a moment, and let the deepness of that statement sink in.

It could be that this person is afraid that you’ll reject them eventually, because they feel deep down inside that they’re not good enough for you. So to avoid feeling the pain of rejection, they’ll reject you first – and possibly steal your happiness too, as David DeAngelo once mentioned in one of his videos – and avoid getting hurt.

RUN.

My experience shows that, once someone chooses to reject another person and just wants to be “friends”, his or her decision is set in stone. They will never accept the reject as a partner, a friend or even as a living person, no matter what you’ve seen in movies or on television.

Even on those rare occasions where they begin to show what looks like interest, it’s more than likely not genuine. They are usually after something (or someone) else, and using you as a stepping stone.

The idea of “friendship”, and “just being friends” always involves disappearing for good on the rejecter’s part, whether it’s after ten seconds or a week. And amazingly, they will always expect you to put in the effort to make the “friendship” work, while they sit back and get on with her life.

In general, never accept someone’s offer of friendship unless it’s mutual on your part. If it’s not mutual, save yourself the pain and cut them out of your life.

Do not punish yourself for being rejected.

Society insists that rejection is the fault of the person who got rejected, and that the person doing the rejecting was right to do so. It follows that the reject has to change and jump through hoops to avoid rejection next time.

This is very convenient for most people, because they can shift blame (which might not even exist) while not having to do any adjusting themselves, even though they may require the biggest adjustment of all.

Being socially rejected isn’t nearly as fatal as it used to be. Back when we lived in tribes several thousands of years ago, exclusion from the tribe or a large group usually meant death. We can still see bits of that today, with the various street gangs and cliques in school.

But as hard as it is not to sometimes, it’s important not to beat yourself up, just because someone didn’t like you or show you any respect.

And as tempting as it can be, resist the urge to binge-eat, binge-drink or binge-anything, and especially using destructive activities (like drug use, paying for sex etc.) as a crutch. Even if they “help” you feel better in the moment, you’ll eventually regret it afterwards. (I’ve often binge-eaten after failed social events, and it’s only resulted in weight gain.)

Instead, give yourself the credit you deserve for putting yourself forward to a bunch of people who won’t put themselves forward. Despite claims of being outgoing, not that many people actually do put themselves at risk for whatever reason, and they end up perceiving instead of experiencing life. But you have, so give yourself credit.

Find the lesson in the rejection.

No matter how painful the rejection is or was, there is always something to learn from the experience. The lesson can be anything, from how to come across as more desirable, to new warning signs to look out for.

I get incredibly pissed off and beat myself up most of the time I experience any kind of rejection. Once – I am ashamed to say – I’d even sent an angry email to the organisers of a speed dating event, simply because I’d gotten no matches from an event I’d really wanted matches from. But after the madness and initial anger, I eventually saw areas where I could improve.

The truth is it doesn’t matter why you were rejected, because rejection is rejection.

One thing to bear in mind is that the thing you get rejected over – whether it’s what you’ve been told, or what you believe it is – is probably not the thing that got you rejected.
However, if you find the same issue coming up over and over again from different people, it might be a sign of something to work on.

There is always room for self-improvement, and if you choose to you can work on what you think the lesson in the rejection was. It’s not that you’re conforming to other people’s standards, but giving them less of an excuse to pass you over next time. They may find some other excuse to reject you in the future – and they invariably do – but you’ll be a better person by then anyway.

Remember that you can’t change other people: trying to will only make them become more of what they are, and will cause you pain.

As trite as it sounds, people are doing you a favour when they reject you. The worst that can happen is that your ideas about these people – of being the perfect partners, or even being decent people – have been crushed. Try to see your being rejected as a gift: you’ve been spared the pain of actually getting involved with them.